THe english humor
THe english humor
Sike at Foreign Languages Faculties
In the park, somewhere in London one gentleman sits on the grass, kissing young girl. Policeman comes to them and says: - Finish, guy! Gentleman answers with pride: - No, sir! I'm British! One funny dialogue from the tape for those, who's studying English: - That's the question to Dr. Hamilton. - What's the question? - Here the question: Is there any person in the world, whom you'd like to stay with more than with any other person? - Is my wife in the audience? - How do you do! - Thanks. My do is well! A guy came to his girlfriend in the evening. They are planning to go somewhere and girl's mother says to guy: - I don't want her to be late this night. Don't walk for too long. Guy answers: - Don't worry, mam. I'll personally put her to bed at 10 p.m. One completely drunk man stood under the Nelson's Column and poured off. A bobby came up to him and said: - Excuse me, sir. But it's the Nelson's Column... - I fuck your Nelson! - Excuse me, sir. But it's a public place... - I fuck your public! - Excuse me, sir. But the Queen has a promenade here sometimes. - I fuck your queen!!! - Indeed?! - In bed! - Oh, I am sorry your majesty! Two commandoes fall out'a the jungle. They sit down for a rest. One takes out a pack of cigarettes wishing smoke but they're all completely wet. Second commando takes out a pack of cigarettes too and each cigarette is put into a condom and they're dry. The first commando catches the idea and next time before new raid to jungle he comes to a drug-store and asks for some condoms. A shop-keeper asks him back: - For man, for woman? - No, for "Camel". - Oh, king size, king size... Two fishes swim in Atlantics. Suddenly the great shadow covered them. First fish: What a shadow! What can it be? Second one: That's the bottom of "Queen Elizabeth". First fish: God, save the king! Once an Irish man was seeking for job and that was very long process. Every day he read newspapers looking for job announcements, but unfortunately he couldn't find anything. And one day he's found that one company needs a qualified woodcutter. Lucky Pat put the newspaper into the pocket and ran to the office of this company. He found the boss, sitting in the big room in the big arm- chair. -Ok, Pat, - the boss said, - I can give you a job, but first I'd like to see what you can. I need good worker - so you must cut 100 trees a day. If you do this, I'll pay you 20 pounds a day. But if you fail, you'll get nothing. I'll be testing your abilities for three days - if you cut 100 trees a day, you'll get 60 pounds and the job. Otherwise, go away, - I don't need kids in my company. Take the chain-saw and start. Pat went to the tools shop, took the chain-saw and started to cut trees. He worked all the day and in the evening 70 trees were cut. Pat came to boss and said: - Boss, I've cut 70 trees today. Will you pay me? - No, Pat, we have the agreement - 100 trees or nothing. You should work better tomorrow! Next day Pat got up early in the morning, with the sunrise. He worked till sunset and cut 90 trees. He came to boss and said: - Boss, I've cut 90 trees. That's much more than yesterday. I'm tired, I'm hungry, please, pay me several pounds to let me have some rest. - No, Pat, - boss said, - we have the agreement - 100 trees or nothing! If you cut 100 trees tomorrow, I'll pay you 60 pounds - then you may have some rest! Next day Pat got up before the sunrise. He worked hard all the day, without even any short break. When the last rays of the Sun dissapeared in the darkness, 99 trees were cut. Poor tired Pat came to boss and said: - Sir, I've cut 99 trees, I can't do more. I'm very tired, I'm very hungry, please, pay me something to let me eat a little and sleep for several hours. - No, Pat, - boss said. You're lazy, you can't work well. Bring your chain-saw to the shop and go away! I don't want a worker like you! Poor Pat went to the shop with his chain-saw. A man, who was in charge of all the stuff in the shop, took his saw and turned it on to see is it Ok. The chain-saw loudly started - it was full of gas and worked fine. He put it on the shelf, turned around and saw Pat astonished, with widely opened mouth. - What's wrong, buddy? - asked he. - Shit, I've never thought that this saw may work itself! - exclaimed Pat. What's the difference of soldier, diplomat and maiden? When soldier says "Yes", it means "Yes". When soldier says "No", it means "No". If soldier says "Maybe", he's not a soldier. When diplomat says "Yes", it means "Maybe". When diplomat says "Maybe", it means "No". If diplomat says "No", he's not a diplomat. When maiden says "No", it means "Maybe". When maiden says "Maybe", it means "Yes". If maiden says "Yes", she's not a maiden. The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting college. "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore." "Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve do today?" "We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently. "Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God. "Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed. "And then what did you do?" God asked. "We made mad, passionate love all afternoon." "Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed. "She's down at the brook washing herself out." "Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all the fish are going to smell like that!" An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight. He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs nudged him and said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice." To avoid any trouble, the Israeli did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes. The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the Israeli put on his shoes and felt the squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs and said,"If there is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will have to stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice." With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them." Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went. "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said."The second night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!" "Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand." About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked. "I took your advice." "Didn't you compliment her?" "sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too." "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said. "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much." Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said."I'm gonna miss her." From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the fact that the fellow was too intensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine inches?" There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times in a row!" The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy." After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man shouted. "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor. Question: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico? Answer: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. Did you know that computer sales persons are so full of shit that if they had an enema they could be buried in a shoe box! Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Polack, were sitting in a bar. In walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman and said, "I like fucking white women." The Frenchman looked at him and thought,"Well,that's great." Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the shoulder and said, "I like fucking white women." The German looked at him and said, "Good for you." The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer. He got up, walked over to the Polack and belted him on the back, then said, "I like fucking white women." The Polack sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't blame you. I don't like fucking those black ones either." A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends after the first date, so she decided to go to a doctor to find out what the problem was. The doctor asked her to take off her clothes and lie on the examining table. He checked her pussy and, finding nothing wrong, asked her to roll over and spread her ass. After checking her asshole and again finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he could examine her mouth. Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, "You've got the worst case of Zacklies I've ever seen!" "Zacklies?" she said, puzzled. "What's that?" "Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!" A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a cocktail party, but she wasn't having any part of him... especially the part he had in mind. After a while, to show his contempt for her, he inquired loudly, "Tell me, dear, what happens when whores get pregnant?" Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your mother found you under a cabbage leaf!" After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning." Did you hear about the new daredevil, Ku Klux Knievel? He's going to try to jump over 50 blacks with a steamroller! This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the hell has happened to you?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three men of the cloth - a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi - were counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two churches and one synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income). The priest was the first to speak: "I know what! I'll draw a line down the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us." The Baptist minister cried, "No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for us." The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he offered this suggestion: "What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours." Best регардс! Alexander Grigorieff A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir,may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Question: How do you kill an Aggie? Answer: Sneak up on him while he's getting a drink of water, then slam the toilet seat on his head. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him. "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything." "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help." "Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman. "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a fellow who had never been to bed with a woman, so two of his friends decided to play a trick on him. They bought an inflatable love doll and put it into his bed. Then called him at work and told him the girl of his dreams was home in bed and ready for anything. The next day his friends asked him how things had gone. "Very strange," he replied. "I slipped out of my clothes and got in beside her. She was cold, so I tried to warm her up. Then I bit her on the neck, but she just farted a few times and flew out the window!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky shitkicker, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?" "Ya mean women?" asked the shitkicker. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks fuck sheep." "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation." However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. "You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!" One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house. "That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up." "Fine,"said the lumberjack,"and tell her to bring a couple of beers." In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy. "No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!" "Sure,pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first."
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One wet day a woman with a dog got on a bus. It was a very big dog and it's feet were very dirty. The wooman said: "Oh, conductor, if I pay for my dog can he have a seat like the other passengers?" The conductor looked at the dog and then he said: "Certainly, madam, he can have a seat like all the other passengers, but like the other passengers he mustn't put his feet on it."
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A charwoman in a City office was very proud of her skill at polishing floors. "When I started working there,"- she told a friend "the floors were in terrible state. But now it's quite different since I've been polishing them", she added proudly. "Three men working there have fallen down. One of them is still in the hospital with a broken leg."
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Charlie Chaplin Competitions often used to be organised in the USA. The best imitator of the great actor was awarded a special prise. One such competition was secretly attended Charlie. Chaplin himself, who took part in the competition. Great was his surprise when the committee only awarded him the third prise.
А Clever Answer
On a fine summer day a farmer, passing by a large tree on his way home to dinner, saw one of his sons lying and sleeping in the shade. The farmer woke him up and said angrily: "How can you sleep here, when all your brothers are working in the garden? You don't deserve to enjoy the sunlight." "Yes, Father, you are right, that is why I am lying in the shade."
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A dyer in a court of justice had to hold up his hand that was all black. The judge said to him: "Take off your gloves, friend!" "Put on your spectacles, Mylord"- answered the dyer.
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George the First of England while on journey to his native kindom stopped at a village in Holland. While fresh horses were being got ready for him, the king asked 2 or 3 eggs. They were brought him and the price asked was a hundred florins. "How is "this?"- asked the king, - "Eggs must surely be very rare here." "Pardon me,"- replied the host, - "eggs are plentiful enough, but kings are rare here."
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A boy bought a twopenny loaf at the baker's. It struck him that it was much smaller, than usual, so he said to the baker: "I don't believe the loaf is the right weight." "Oh, nevert mind,"- answered the baker. "You'll have the less to carry." "Quite right,"- said the boy and put 3 halfpence on the counter. Just as he was leaving the shop the baker called out to him: "I say, Tommy! You haven't given me the price of the loaf!" "Oh, never mind,"- said the boy, "You'll have the less to count."
Little Tommy went to the movies. He saw a tribe of Indians painting their faces and asked his mother why they were doing so. His mother explained: "Indians always paint their faces before going to the warpath. "The next evening the mother sat in the dining-room and entertained her elder daugter's young man. Suddenly Tommy rushed into the room with wide eyes. "Mommy,"- he cried,- "let's run away quickly: sister is going along the warpath."
Оne too maпу
A seaman on a ship based somewhere far away in the Pacific recieved a photo from his fiancee. It represented a scene on the beach: two couples were sitting and laughing gaily, but his girl was sitting alone sad and lonely. In the letter she wrote that the photo showed how she was spending her time while he was away. The seaman was in delight and showed the photo to his friends. Then one night after looking at the photo for a long time he asked his friend: "Listen, John, I wonder, who took the picture?"
A young man decided to study at military school. Several days after his medical examintion he recieved a wire from the school: "Regret to inform you, but the test showed that you have TB and heart trouble. "An hour later he recieved another wire, saying: "Please, disregard the first wire. Your documents were confused with that of another applicant. "The young man wired back: "Sorry, but your wire came too late. I committed suicide 40 minutes ago."
A foreign tourist in the U.S.A. remarked: "I see that you, Americans, have great interest in space flights." "Why do you think so?"- asked his guide. "I see so many people in the street are looking at the sky with telescopes." "Telescopes?"- the guide asked in astonishment, - "They are drinking beer from bottles."
Аct of Sabotagе
The plane is ready to start. The passengers are going up. "Stop!"- shouts the mechanic,- "A gas tank is leaking. We'll have to fix it before taking off and it will take about an hour." "An hour's delay!"- commented a soldier. "But then I'll be late for my ship with my unit going overseras! "When the pilot heard this, he came to the soldier: "Listen", - he whispered, looking into his eyes,- "are you the one who drilled the hole in the gas tank?"
A small boy and his mother are looking through the family album. A boy takes one of the photographs, representing a nice looking young man in a smart soldier uniform. He asks: "Mother, who is this smart soldier?" "That is Daddy", - answered his mother. The boy kept thinking for a moment, and then said: "Well, then who is that fat bald-headed civilian which is leaving with us now?"
Lack of Detail
An operator is working with a computer. He gave a very complicated task to computer. Then after a very long time the computer gave an answer: "Yes". Annoyed at the lack of detail the operator asked: "Yes what?" "Yes, sir", - answered the computer.
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A man was taken to a hospital after an accident. The doctor examined him and said, that he could go home the next day. However, in the morning, the doctor announced: "I think you'd better stay another day to see if something new turns up. I didn't know how bad you were banged up until I read about the accident in the newspapers.
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Once a famous Hollywood actress wrote to a famous wit and dramatist that it was a pity they were not the parents of a child. What a child it would have been: with her beauty and with his brains. Bernard Shaw, who was this dramatist, answered, that supposing the child would have been so unlucky to have his appearancee and her brains.
Тo the Only girl
The young man approached the counter at which post-cards were being sold and asked: "Have you anything sentimental?" - "Here is a lovely one",- answered the shop-girl: "look here - "to the only girl I ever loved" - "That's fine, I'll take six of those, please".
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. Some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine Do not drive car or operate machinery On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use On Sainsbury's Peanuts Warning: contains nuts On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
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