AIRPLANE! Starring: Kareem Abdul-Jabar as Murdock Peter Graves as Captain Oever Lloyd Bridges as McCroskey Julie Hagerty as Elaine Robert Hayes as Ted Striker Leslie Neilson as Dr. Rumack Lorna Patterson as Randy Robert Stack as Kramer Stephen Stucker as Johnny Otto ( Autopilot) as Himself Written/Directed/Produced By: Jim Abrahams, David & Jerry Zucker OPEN: Theme from Jaws, plane busts out of clouds like Jaws... Voiceman: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red zone. Voiclady: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red zone. Voiceman: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red zone. Voiclady: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red zone. Zealot#1: Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the religious consciousness church, would you care to make a donation? Elaine : No, thank you anyway. Voiceman: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no stopping in the white zone. Voiclady: NO! The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading and there is no stopping in the red zone. Voiceman: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading there is never stopping in a white zone. Voiclady: Don't tell me which zone is for stopping and which zone is for loading. Voiceman: Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again! Zealot#2: Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the religious consciousness church, would you like to make a donation? ???????? : No thanks, we gave at the office. AT SECURITY GATE: Security: Would you put all of your metal objects into this dish please ( Man first removes all of his jewelry, etc. then his prosthetic arm and leg) Voiceman: There's just no stopping in a white zone. Voiclady: Oh really, Vernon, why pretend, we both know perfectly well what it is you're talking about. You want me to have an abortion. Voiceman: Its really the only sensible thing to do. If its done properly, therapeutically, there's no danger involved. Someguy : Taxi! Striker : I'll be back in a minute. ( sets cab's meter running) Zealot#3: Hello sir, we'd like you to have this flower on behalf of the church of Religious consciousness, would you caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarr... Worker#1: Hey, Larry, where's the forklift? ( To worker#2 who is busy guiding a plane into a hanger ) Worker#2: Forklift? Its over there by the baggage loader. ( Gestures the direction of baggage loader with guide sticks causing the plane to go that direction and to come crashing into the terminal) People : ( In terminal ) LOOK OUT!!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! (pandemonium). Striker : Elaine!!!!! Elaine : Ted! Striker : I came home early and found your note. I guess you meant for me to read it later. Elaine, I've got to to talk to you. Elaine : I just don't want to go over it anymore. Striker : I know things haven't been right for a long time, but... It'll be different. Like it was in the beginning. If you'll just be patient I can work things out. Elaine : I have been patient and I tried to help, but you wouldn't even let me do that. Striker : Don't you feel anything for me at all anymore? Elaine : It takes so many things to make love last. But, most of all, it takes respect, and I can't live with the man I don't respect. Striker : ( To camera ) What a PISSER! PA : Captain Oever, white courtesy phone. Captain Clarence Oever, white courtesy phone. OEVER PICKS UP A RED PHONE. Operator: NO! THE WHITE PHONE. Oever : Oh! ( picks up white phone ) This is Captain Oever! Operator: One moment for your call from the Mayo Clinic. PA : Captain Oever, white courtesy phone. Captain Clarence Oever, white courtesy phone. Oever : I'VE GOT IT! PA : Thank you. Operator: Go ahead with your call. MayoDoct: Uh, this is Doctor Brody at the Mayo Clinic. There's a passenger on your Chicago flight 209er, a little girl named Lisa Davis, en route to Minneapolis. She's scheduled for a heart transplant, we'd like you to tell her mother we found a donor an hour ago. We have the heart here, ready for surgery. . . We must have the recipient on the operating table within 6 hours. I want you to make sure she's kept in a reclined position and that a continuous watch is kept on her IV. Also, its very important that she remain calm. . . Operator: EXCUSE ME, This is the operator Captain Oever, I have an emergency call on line 5 from a Mr. Hamm. Oever : Alright, Give me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo. Striker : Look, you'll be back in town tomorrow night, we'll... have dinner. We'll talk things over. Elaine : I won't be back, I've requested the Atlanta run. Striker : Elaine, I promise, I can change. Elaine : Then why didn't you take the job that Louis Neds offered you at Boeing? Striker : You know I haven't been able to get near a plane since since the war. Even if I could, they wouldn't hire me because of my war record. Elaine : You're war record ??? You're the only one keeping that alive, for everyone else, its ancient history. Striker : You expect me to believe that? Elaine : Its the truth. What's hurt you the most is your record since the war. Different cities, different jobs and not one of them shows you can accept any real responsibility. Striker : Elaine, if you just give me one more . . . Elaine : Its too late, Ted. When I get back to Chicago, I'm going to start my life all over again. I'm sorry. Zealot#4: Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower from the Church of Religious Conscious. . .PUNCH . . . EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Attendnt: Hi! Well, good evening. Oh, there you go. You just follow all the way back. Hello. Victor : Any word on that storm lifting over Salt Lake Clarence? Oever : No not likely, Victor. I just reviewed the area report for 1600 hours through 2400. Victor : Uh, huh ... Oever : There's a front stalled over the Dakotas, backed all the way to Utah. Victor : Yeah, well, if she decides to push over to the great lakes, it could get plenty slippery. Oever : Uh, huh. Victor : What about the southern route, around Tulsa? Oever : I double checked the terminal forecast and winds aloft and I had cloudy ceilings all the way. Victor : Where do they top out? Oever : Well . . . there's some light scattered cover to 20,000 icing around 15. . . Worker3 : Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. (falling off ladder from washing plane's windows) Victor : Boy looks like the original plan ought to be the best bet. Oever : Denver it is. Murdock : Sorry Clarence. Latest weather report shows everything is sopped in from Salt Lake to Lincoln. Oever : Oh, Hi Roger! Glad to have you aboard! Victor, this is Roger Murdock, Victor Basta. Victor : How do you do Roger? Murdock : Nice to meet you! Oever : Roger, I was telling Victor that I reviewed the area report for 1600 hours through 2400 there'sa front stalled over the Dakotas. . . Ticketer: There you go, thank you. Striker : Can you tell me if Elaine Dickenson is on this flight? Ticketer: Well, the whole flight crew has boarded. Let me see. Oh yes, she is on board. Striker : I'd like one ticket to Chicago. No baggage. ( Guy still waits in Taxi for Striker) Ticketer: Smoking or non-smoking. Striker : Smoking, please. Ticketer: ( Hands Ted a ticket which is literally smoking) There. Have a nice trip. FLASHBACK: STRIKER. VOICE: Striker, this is red leader 4. Primary target covered by fog. Decision to proceed is yours. decision to proceed IS YOURS. IS YOUUUURRRRS... YOUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Jiveman1: Sheeeet, man, that honkey mus' be messin' my old lady got to be runnin' col' upsihd down his head! Subtitle: GOLLY, THAT WHITE FELLOW SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE OR I WILL PUNCH HIM. Jiveman2: Hey Holm, I can dig it! You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap upon you man! Subtitle: YES, HE IS WRONG FOR DOING THAT. Jiveman1: I say hey sky, s'other say I won say I pray to J I get the same ol' same ol. Subtitle: I KNEW A MAN IN A SIMILAR PREDICAMENT, AND HE ENDED UP BEING SORRY. Jiveman2: Knock yourself a pro slick. Gray matter back got perform' us' down I take TCBin, man'. Subtitle: DON'T BE NAIVE ARTHUR. EACH OF US FACES A CLEAR MORAL CHOICE. Jiveman1: You know wha' they say: See a broad to get that bodiac lay'er down an' smack 'em yack 'em. Subtitle: EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE, MAKES A MAN HEALTHY, WEALTHY AND WISE. Together: Col' got to be! Yo! Subtitle: HOW TRUE! Together: Sheeeeeeet! Subtitle: GOLLY. SIGH ON PLANE LIGHTS UP ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 NO SMOKING 3 3 El NO A YOU SMOKO 3 3 3 3 FASTEN SEATBELTS 3 3 PUTANA DA SEATBELTZ 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY Oldlady : Nervous? Striker : Yes. Oldlady : First time? Striker : NO, I've been nervous lots of times. Elaine : Hi, we'll be taking off real soon. SO I'd better fasten you in tight. Dyingirl: Thank you. Oh, mother this is so exciting. Mother : I know, but you must get some rest. Elaine : That's good advice. You relax and I'll be back right after we take off. Lovelorn: God Bill. I am going to miss you so much. Leaving : Oh, I'm gonna miss you too. Promise you'll write?? Lovelorn: SIGH . . . Every day. Bill... Conductr: Better get on board son. All aboard!!!!! Oever : 209er to ground control. We're loaded and ready to taxi. Lovelorn: Goodbye Bill! Leaving : Goodbye darling. I love you darling. Tower : 2-0-9er, taxi to runway 1-9er. Leaving : Goodbye darling. Lovelorn: Have your picture taken the minute you get there. And send me one, alright? Leaving : Okay, here, hurry. ( he throws her his watch as she runs along the side of the taxiing plane. ) Lovelorn: Oh, but your watch, but you shouldn't. You're gonna need this! Leaving : Its alright. It doesn't work. Lovelorn: Bill! Leaving : Goodbye darling. Lovelorn: Bill! ( Knocks over light tower while running ) Bill! Bill! I'll keep it with me all the time, I swear to you. Leaving : I know darling, take care of yourself, goodbye. Tower : Flight 2-0-9er, you're cleared for take off. Oever : Roger! Murdock : Huh? Tower : L.A. departure frequency 1-2-3 point 9er. Oever : Roger! Murdock : Huh? : Re-quest Vector, over! Oever : What? Tower : 2-0-9er clear for vector 2-3-4. Murdock : We have clearance Clarence. Oever : Roger, Roger. What's our Vector Victor? Tower : Tower's radio clearance, over! Oever : That's Clarence Oever! Oever. Tower : Roger. Murdock : Huh? Tower : Roger, over. Murdock : Huh? Oever : Huh? Attendnt: DO you feel alright sir? Striker : Oh, I haven't flown for a long time. Oever : Good evening ladies and gentleman, this is Captain Oever speaking. Well, be cruising at 36,000 feet this evening. Our arrival time in Chicago will be 10:45 pm central time. The temperature there is currently 62 degrees with a 20% chance of precipitation. Meanwhile, relax and enjoy your flight. Elaine : Would you like something to read? Oldlady: Do you have anything light? Elaine : Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh... how about this leaflet, famous Jewish sports legends? Oldlady: Yes, thank you. Elaine : Teeeeeeeeeeeed!?! What are you doing here? Striker: Elaine, I've got to talk to you! Elaine : Y-Y-Yo-You shouldn't have come, I don't have time now! Oldlady: Stewardess . . . Elaine : Excuse me! Oldlady: No wonder you're upset! She's lovely! And a darling figure. Supple pouting breasts. . . firm thighs . . . its a shame you two don't get along. Striker: Yes, I know, things used to be different. I remember when we first met. It was during the war. ( Flashback) I was in the Air Force stationed in Drambui, off the Barbary coast. I used to hang out at the Magumba bar. It was a rough place, the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cut-throat from Bombay to Calcutta. Its worse than Detroit. The mood in the place was downright ugly. You wouldn't walk in there unless you knew how to use your fists. You could count on a fight breaking out almost every night. ( fight between two women breaks out. Chairs are crashed . . .) ( Saturday Night Fever music starts to play when juke box is clobbered I didn't go there that night to fall in love I just dropped in for a couple of drinks. But, suddenly there she was. I was captivated, entranced. It hit me like a thunderbolt. I had to ask the guy next to me to pinch me to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I was afraid to approach her, but that night fate was on my side. ( The man Elaine is dancing with gets a knife in his back. He tries to ascertain help from Elaine by pointing with both hands at his back, but Elaine thinks that this is a new dance move and mimics him. He collapses and dies. Striker begins to dance disco style with Elaine, soon a crowd gathers to watch. Both Ted and Elaine dance in humanly impossible ways. The crowd cheers. Next the bar is empty, and its the end of the night. Ted and Elaine are still there with the 2 fighting women. ( end flashback ) We laughed, we talked, we danced I never wanted it to end. I guess I still don't. But, enough about me, I hope this hasn't been boring for you. Its just that whenever I talk about Elaine, I get so carried away, I loose all track of time. ( Oldlady has hung herself ) Elaine : Would you like to order dinner now? Father : Yes, Joey will have the steak and my wife and I will have the fish. Joey : When can I see the cockpit dad? Father :Joey, I think the pilots are probably too busy flying the plane for that. Joey : Awww, geee whiz!!!!!!!!!! Elaine : I'll tell you what Joey, I'll talk to the Captain and see what I can arrange. Joey : Gee, that'd be swell! Elaine : Would you gentleman care to order your dinners? Jiveman1: Bet babe, slide a piece a da porter, drink si' run th' java. Subtitle: I WOULD LIKE THE STEAK PLEASE. Jiveman2: Lookie here, I can dig grease and butter on some draggin' fruit garden. Subtitle: I'LL HAVE THE FISH. littlboy: Excuse me, I happened to be passing and I thought you might like some coffee. littgirl: Oh, that's very nice of you. Thank you. Oh, won't you sit down? Littlboy: Oh thank you. Cream? Littgirl: No thank you, I take it black . . . . . . like my men. Striker : Well, you see . . . ( to a different passenger -- new flashback, reminiscent of the Blue Lagoon. ) Elaine: Oh TED! I never knew I could be so happy. These few months have been just wonderful. Tomorrow, why don't we drive up the coast to that little seafood place and . . . what's the matter??? Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow, we're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 18:00 hours. We're coming in from the North, below their radar. Elaine: When will you be back? Striker: I can't tell you that? It's classified. Elaine: Ted, please be careful. I worry about you so much. Striker: I love you Elaine. Elaine: I love you! ( Return from flashback, the passenger stabs himself to death ) Denver : Flight 2-0-9er, this is Denver flight control. You are approaching some rough weather. Please climb to 42,000 feet. Oever : Roger, Denver. Elaine : We have a visitor. . . Oever : Hello. Murdock : Hi! Elaine : This is Captain Oever, Mr Murdock and Mr Basta. This is Joey Hammond. . . Oever : Well hi Joey. Murdock : Come on up here, you can see better. Oever : We have something here for our special visitors ( takes out a model airplane for Joey ), would you like to have it? Joey : Thank youuuuuuu! Thanks alot! Oever : Sure. You ever been in a cockpit before? Joey : No sir, I've never been up in a plane before. Oever : You ever . . . seen a grown man naked ? Murdock : Do you want me to check the weather Clarence? Oever : No, why don't you take care of it. Joey, did ya ever hang around a gymnasium? Elaine : We'd better get back now Joey! Oever : Noooooooo, Joey can stay here for a while if he'd like. Joey : Could I? Elaine : Okay, if you don't get in the way. Murdock : Flight 2-0-9er to Denver radio, climbing to cruise at 42,000. Will report again over Lincoln. Over and out. Joey : Wait a minute! I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar. You played basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers. Murdock : I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with some- one else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot. Joey : You are Kareem! I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets. Murdock : I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence? Oever : Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here. Murdock : But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot. Joey : I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defence. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try . . . except during the playoffs. Murdock : The hell I don't!! ( grabs joey by collar ) LISTEN KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Denier up and down the court for 48 minutes. Oever : Joey, do you like movies about gladiators? Striker : Elaine, just hear me out. I know things haven't been right for a long time, but it'll be different. like it was in the beginning, remember? Elaine : I remember everything. All I have are memories. Mostly, I remember the nights when we were together. I remember how you used to hold me and... how I used to sit on your face and wiggle and...afterwards how we'd watch 'til the sun came up. When it did, it was almost like . . . like . . . each new day was made only for us. Striker : That's the way I've always wanted it to be Elaine. Elaine : But it won't be . . . not as long as you insist on living in the past. ( Striker flashes back -- ) Voice: You're too low Ted . . . YOU'RE TOO LOW! ( Now in military mental hospital. Random mental hospital conversation has been skipped. Striker is painting a picture of a guy in the middle of an explosion ) Doctor : Okay Robert, slip em down, this won't hurt much . . Elaine : You got a telegram from headquarters today. Striker: HEADQUARTERS?!? What is it? Elaine : Well, its a big building where generals meet. But that's not important right now. They've cleared you of any blame for what happened in that raid. Isn't that good news? Striker: Is it? Because of my mistake 6 men didn't return from that raid. Elaine : 7, Lieutenant Zip died this morning. . . ( Striker spits out drink ) The Doctor says you'll be out in a week, isn't that wonderful? Striker: Wish I could say the same for George Zip. Elaine : Be patient Ted, nobody expects you to get over this immediately. Subject: Hey Striker, How bout a break, I'm getting tired. Striker: Yeah, alright. Take 5. ( We see that the subject has been standing in a contorted stance with an explosion backdrop exactly mimicking the painting Striker has been working on ) Elaine: I have found a wonderful apartment for us. It has a brick fireplace and a cute little bedroom with mirrors on the ceiling and . . . Jeleen : Red leader, Red Leader . . . I'm goin' down ( makes gunner noises ) Striker: Captain Jeleen. He thinks he's a pilot still fighting the war. Jeleen : I've found the tunnel Johnson!! Its this way $25 for a cigarette is too much! Herwitz: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Elaine : What's his problem? Striker: Its Lt. Herwitz. Severe shell shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman. ( We cut back to herwitz, but he is now replaced with the real Ethel Merman ) Herwitz: You'lllllll be swell... You'll be great... Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin' here. Startin' now. Honey, everything's coming up rosseehhhhhhhhsss. ( He ( she ) faints ) Striker: War is hell. ( Meanwhile back on the plane ) Attendnt: Would you like some coffee before we serve dinner? Striker : No, no thank you. Attendnt: Would either of you like another cup of coffee? Mother2 : I will, but Jim won't. Father : I think I will have another cup of coffee. Mother2 : ( To herself in an echo voice ) Jim never has a second cup at home. Attendnt: Excuse me sister . . . Nun : Yeahhhs? Attendnt: There's little girl on board up front who's ill and .. Nun : Oh, yes. I saw, poor child. Attendnt: Could I borrow your guitar . . . I think maybe I could cheer her up. Nun : Of course. Attendnt: Ohhhh.... thank you. ( She drags guitar across the passengers heads ) Attendnt: Hi! Mother : Hi! Attendnt: Do you mind if I talk to your daughter? Mother : No I think that'd be nice. Attendnt: Hi, I'm Randy. Dyingirl: I'm Lisa . . . YOU HAVE A GUITAAAAR! Attendnt: Uh, huh! I thought maybe you'd like to hear a song. Dyingirl: I'd love too! Attendnt: Okay. Let's see, uh... this is one of my favorites! I've traveled the banks of the river of Jordan To find where it flows to the sea I looked in the eyes of the cold and the hungry And I saw that I was looking at meeeeeee. And I wanted to know if life had a purpose And what it all means in the end In the silence I listened to voices inside me And they told me again and again. There is only one river ( Knocks IV out of Lisa's arm with guitar but doesn't notice ) There is only one sea And it flows through you And it flows through me ( Lisa is having conniptions about her IV as if about to die ) There is only one people We are one in the same ( The whole plane begins to clap along ) We are all one spirit One naaaaaaaaaaaammmme. We are the father We are one. We are one. We are one. Oever : Little late tonight. We've been waiting for you. Elaine : Who wants to be first? Murdock : Go ahead Clarence, I got 'er. Elaine : How's the weather? Murdock : Not so good. We've got some heavy stuff ahead of us. It might get rough again unless we can climb on top. Striker : ( To a guy in a turban ) Yeah, after the war, I just wanted to get as far away from things as possible. Elaine and I joined the Peace Corps. We were assigned to an isolated tribe: the Malumbos. ( Flashback to African tribe ) They'd never seen Americans before. Striker : It was really a challenge during the year introducing them to our western culture. At first they didn't know what to think of us, but soon we gained their trust. Elaine : It will help you better prepare and store foods for the up and coming Monsoon months. Also, Supperware products are ideal for storing leftovers to help stretch your food dollar. This 2 quart Sealz-em Right container will keep hot dog buns fresh for days. Striker : You must understand, these people had been completely isolated from civilization. No one had ever outlined a physical fitness program for them and they had no athletic equipment. I started them on simple calisthenics and slowly worked them up to rudimentary game skills. And finally, advanced competitive theory. I was patient with them and they were eager to learn. they seemed to enjoy themselves. It was probably due to the advanced American techniques that we were able to bridge the generations of isolation communicate so successfully with Mulambos. ( The Mulambos start to play basketball like pros) I think they're finally getting the hang of it when we re-enlist, I'll teach them baseball. Elaine : Ted, I don't want to stay here, its time for us to go back home to the plans we made before the war. Striker : Alot of people made plans before the war . . . like George Zip. It was at that moment that I first realized Elaine had doubts about our relationship. And that as much as anything else led to my drinking problem ( He pours his drink on himself.) We did come back to the states, I tried a number of jobs . . . well, I could go on for hours, but I would probably start to bore you. ( Guy in turban pulls out knife and points it to his heart ) I really couldn't blame Elaine ( Guy stabs himself and moans ) she wanted a career. Oldlady2: Uhhhhhhhh...... I can't stand it. Ohhhhhhh. Elaine : Yes? Oldlady2: Oh... its my stomach. I haven't felt this aweful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film. uhh. Elaine : I'll see if I can find some Dramamine. ( Goes to cockpit ) Captain, one of the woman passengers is very sick. Oever : Airsick? Elaine : I think so, but I've never seen it so acute. Oever : Find out if there's a doctor on board as quietly as you can. . . Joey . . . have you ever been in a, a Turkish prison? Father : Ohhhhhhhhhh, I shouldn't have had that second cup of coffee. ( he vomits ) Mother2 : ( In echo voice ) Jim never vomits at home. Elaine : I'm sorry I had to wake you, I'm just looking for a doctor, there's nothing to worry about. Woman3 : Stewardess, I think the man sitting next to me is a Doctor. Elaine : Sir, excuse me sir, I am sorry I have to wake you, sir, are you a doctor? Rumack : That's right. Elaine : We have some passengers that are very sick, could you come take a look at them? Rumack : Yes, of course. . . ( To sick woman ) Let me see your tongue. ( eggs begin to come out of her mouth. Rumack cracks one and a bird flys out ) I'll be back in a minute. ( To Elaine ) You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as possible, we've got to get them to the hospital. . . Elaine : A hospital . . what is it? Rumack : Its a big building with patients, but that's not important right now. Tell the captain I must speak to him. Elaine : Certainly. ( Victor is getting sick ) Oever : Victor, we're running into some heavy weather . . . can you ( Victor passes out ) Roger! Take OVER! Rumack : Captain, how soon can you land? Oever : I can't tell. Rumack : You can tell me, I'm a doctor. Oever : NO, I mean I'm just not sure. Rumack : Well, can't you take a guess? Oever : Well, not for another 2 hours. Rumack : You can't take a guess for another 2 hours? Oever : No, no, no. I mean we can't land for another 2 hours fog has closed down everything this side of the mountains. We've got to get through to Chicago. ???????????? : What is it doctor? Rumack : I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert. What was it we had for dinner tonight? Elaine : Well, we had a choice, steak or fish. Rumack : Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna. What did he have? Elaine : Fish . . . Attendnt: Doctor, there are 2 more sick people and the rest of the passengers are worried. Rumack : I'll go take care of the passengers. Find out what the two sick people had for dinner. Oever : This is Captain Oever speaking, been a little bumpy up here, but we'll be past it in a couple minutes. A few points of interest we are now flying over Hoover damn and a little later on, we'll pass just to the south of the Grand Canyon. Meanwhile, relax and enjoy your flight, okay? CHICAGO: THIS IS FLIGHT 2-0-9er. . . We're in trouble, we've got to have all traffic below us cleared. I want a priority approach and landing in Chicago. Mother2: Stewardess, my husband is very sick can you do something please? Elaine : Well, the doctor will be with you in just a moment. One thing, do you know what he had for dinner? Mother2 : Yes, of course, we both had fish. Why? Elaine : Oh, its nothing to be alarmed about. We'll be back to you very quickly. Elaine : Dr Rumack, Mr Hammond ate fish, and Randy said there five more cases and they all had fish too. Rumack : And the Co-Pilot had fish, what did the navigator have? Elaine : He had fish. Rumack : Alright, now we know what we're up against. Every passenger on this flight who had fish for dinner will become violently ill in the next half hour ( Oever notices he had fish and begins to come down with the symptoms as they are described ) Elaine : Just how serious is it Doctor? Rumack : Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat. When the virus penetrates the red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy begins to experience an itchy rash, then the poison goes to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable grueling. At this point, the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence ( Oever begins to fart ) Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering wasted piece of jelly. Oever : Au--to--ma-tic pi-lot. Elaine : ( Searches for button ) Automatic pilot, automatic pilot, there it is . . . ( Otto begins to inflate) Rumack : I'll go back to the passengers. Chicago: Come in 2-0-9er, this is Chicago. Flight 2-0-9er, come in. Elaine : This is Elaine Dickenson, I'm the stewardess, Captain Oever has passed out on the floor and the co-pilot and navigator too. We're in terrible trouble, over. MCrosky: Roger, Elaine, Roger. I read you. This is Steve McCrosky at Chicago air control, Back to you in a minute ( To Tower ) Hold all takeoffs, I don't want another plane in the air. When the 508 reports, bring it straight in. Put out a general bulletin to suspend meal service on flights out of Los Angeles. Tell all dispatchers to remain at their posts, its gonna be long night. How bout some coffee Johnny? Johnny : NO THANKS! MCrosky: I want the weather on every landing field this side of the line, no matter what the size. Do you understand? Anyplace, anyplace where there's a chance to land that plane. ( To Siamese twins ) Stan, go up stairs to the tower and get a runway diagram. Terry, check down the field for emergency equipment. Airdude: Chief we got fog right down to the deck, every place east of the Rockies. There's no possible place to land, they'll have to come through to Chicago. MCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking. I want the best available man on this, a man who knows that plane inside and out and won't crack under pressure. Johnny : How 'bout Mr Rogers? MCrosky: Get me REX KRAMER! Elaine, right next to the throttle is the air speed gauge. What speed does it indicate? Elaine : 520 miles per hour. MCrosky: Good now, check your altitude. That's the dial just below and to the right of the air speed indicator. Elaine : 35,000 feet. NO wait, 34,000 feet . . . NO WAIT, its dropping. Its dropping fast, why's it doing that? Oh my god, the automatic pilot, its deflating. MCrosky: Don't panic, on the belt line of the automatic pilot there's a tube, now that is the manual inflation nozzle. Take it out and blow on it. Passngr: What the hell's going on up there? Rumack : Elaine? Elaine : Yes, Doctor. Rumack : Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face a few unpleasant facts? Elaine : NO. Rumack : Alright, unless I get those people to a hospital quickly, I can't even be sure of saving their lives. Now, is there anyone on board who can land this plane? Elaine : Well, no, no one I know of. Rumack : I think you ought to know what are chances are. The life of everyone on board depends on one thing: finding someone on board who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner. Elaine : Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused this is due to periodic airpockets we encountered. There's no reason to be alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? ( PANDEMONIUM ENSUES, EVERYONE RUNS EVERYWHERE . . .) ( Back at Rex's house ) Paul : Hello, I am Paul Puree from the airline, I'm here to pick up Captain Kramer. MsKramr: Oh, yes come in Paul, Rex will be right out. Dog : Ruff, Ruff ( starts to grab paul's leg) MsKramr: Shep, sit. So, I understand you all have a real emergency down there. Paul : Yes, something like that, but as I said, they didn't have time to ( tries to get dog off leg ) tell me very much. Ahhhh. MsKramr: Shep, no. I'll bet you have exciting things happen all the time down there. Paul : Well, the airline business does have its moments ( still trying to get rid of dog ) but after a while you get used to it. MsKramr: Shep! Come. He gets so excited when new people are here. Are you a pilot yourself? Paul : NO, (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh) I am in a training program. . . Kramer : Its unbelievable, just unbelievable, you know how many times I've warned them about food inspection. MsKramr: You'd think after all these years someone would listen to you ( dog and Paul wrestling in background) Kramer : Airport management, the FAA and the airlines. They're all cheats and liars. Alright, lets get outta here. Attndnt: I'm sorry to bother you, I was just looking for someone with flying experience. Striker: When they built those roads they had no thought of drainage in mind, so we had to take a special jeep up to the main road. In fact, we were lucky to even get a jeep since just the day before the only one we had broke down, had a bad axle. ( The passenger next to him douses himself in gasoline and lights a match, then pauses while stewardess talks to Striker ) Attndnt: Excuse me sir, there's been a little problem in the cockpit . . . Striker: The cockpit . . . what is it? Attndnt: Its the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that's not important now. You see the first officer is ill and the Captain need someone to help him with the radio. Do you know anything about planes? Striker: Well, I flew in the war, but that was years ago, I wouldn't know anything about it. Attndnt: Won't you go up, please? ( Striker agrees, passenger next to him blows out match, but blows himself up accidently anyway ) Striker: The stewardess said . . . BOTH PILOTS???????? Rumack : Can fly this plane? Striker: Surely you can't be serious? Rumack : I am serious, and don't call me Shirley! Attndnt: Doctor, I've checked everyone. Mr. Striker is the only one. Rumack : What flying experience have you had? Striker: I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. Its an entirely different kind of flying, altogether. All Together: Its a entirely different kind of flying. Striker: Besides, I haven't touched any kind of plane in six years. Rumack : Mr. Striker, I know nothing about flying, but there's one thing I do know: You're the only one on this plane who can possibly fly it, you're the only chance we've got. MCrosky: NO, that's right, that's what I said . . . tell them all to acknowledge and stand-by. Get me every piece of emergency equipment you can reach. Alert rescue units every mile of the way, from here to the rockies. Towergy: Chief . . . MCrosky: We'll need a pre-landing flight check, tell 'em I want it in the dispatch office and tell 'em I want it here fast. Towergy: Its your wife. MCrosky: ( To wife ) I want the kids in bed by nine, the dog fed, the yard watered and the gate locked. And get a note to the milkman NO MORE CHEESE! CLICK! Where the hell's Kramer? Kramer : No, we can't do that, the risk of a flame out is too great, leave 'em at 24,000 . . . no, feet. One of the passengers is gonna land that plane. Paul : Is that possible? Kramer : Possible, its a 100-1 shot. ( Car hits a cyclist ) Kramer : I know this guy. Paul : You do? Cyclist: Asssss-hole! Paul : Who is it? Kramer : Name is Ted Striker, I flew with him during the war, it won't make my job any easier tonight. Ted Striker was a crack flight leader, up to a point. He was one of those men who, lets say, felt to much inside, maybe you know the kind. Went all to pieces on one particular mission, lets just hope that doesn't happen tonight. Striker: Lets see. Altitude, 24,000 feet... level flight, speed 520 knots. Course, 0-9er-0, trim, mixture, wash, rinse, spin . . . Elaine : Ted, what are you doing here? You can't fly this plane! Striker: That's what I've been trying to tell these people. Rumack : Elaine, I don't have time to say this gently so I'll be very direct everyone on this plane is in a desperate situation, Mr. Striker is the only hope we've got. Striker: Those are the flaps, this is the thrust, this must turn on the landing lights ( Plane starts to nose dive when that knob is turned ) Mayday, mayday, mayday. MCrosky: MAYDAY? What the hell does that mean? Johnny : Mayday? Why that's the Russian New Year. You know, we'll have a big parade, we'll serve hot hor'doevres . . Oldlady: I can't stand it anymore, I've got to get outta here. I've gotta get outta here. Elaine : Calm down get ahold of yourself. Gentlmn: Stewardess, please, let me handle this ( grabs her and starts to shake her ) Gntlmn2: Calm down, now get back to your seat, I'll take care of this. CALM DOWN, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF
! Nun : Mr, your wanted on the phone . . . Everything's going to be alright < SLAP >! Please. Gntlmn3: Sister, I'll handle this. < SLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAPPP > ( There is now a line of people with baseball bats and whips waiting to help the woman ) Zealot5: Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower ( Kramer punches the man ) Zealot6: Excuse me sir, would you . . . ( Kramer pushes him out of the way ) Zealot7: Donations for the Reverend Moon? ( Kramer punches him ) Zealot8: Jews for Jesus? ( Crack ! ) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Zealot9: Read about Jehovah's witness? ( Kramer kicks him ) Zealt10: How about Buddhism? ( Whack! ) Zealt11: Help Jerry's kids? ( punch! ) Zealt12: Scientology? Zealt13: Avoid nuclear power? ( Bap ! Bop ! ) Announc: Your attention please! No Frills passengers no arriving please have your baggage claim checks ready to show the attendant upon leaving the terminal. ( Passengers are coming down the conveyer belt for luggage ) Kramer : I know but this guy has no flying experience at'all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air. . . yes, birds too. MCrosky: Okay, okay, he's a terrible risk, but what other choice have we got? That's the whole story there Rex, everything we know. Kramer : Alright Steve, lets face a few facts. As you know I flew with this man during the war. He's going to have enough on his mind without worrying about those times when . . . when things weren't so good. MCrosky: Right now, things aren't so good. Kramer : Let me tell you something Steve, Ted Striker was a top notch squadron leader a long time ago. MCrosky: I want you to get on the horn and talk that guy down Now, you're going to have to let him get the feel of that airplane, and you'll have to talk him on to the approach. So help me, you'll have to talk him right down to the ground. ( Crash ) Kramer : Very well, put Striker on the speaker. MCrosky: Use my radio there. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking. ( gulp ) Towergy: Now, you can work 'im direct from here, Captain. Kramer : Thanks. Striker . . . Striker, this is Captain Rex Kramer speaking. Striker: YES, -CAPTAIN- Kramer, I read you loud and clear. Kramer : Alright, its obvious you remember me. What do you say you and I just forget about everything except what we have to do now. Striker: Lets not kid each other _Kramer_ you know I've never flown a bucket like this. I'm gonna need all the luck there is. Kramer : Standby Striker. Our one hope is to build this man up, I've got to give him all the confidence I can. Striker- have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before? Striker: NO, never. Kramer : ( TO McCrosky thinking that the radio to Striker is off) SHIT! This is a God damned waste of time, there's no way he can land that plane. MCrosky: (Radio is still on) Grab ahold of yourself, you gotta talk him down, you gotta. Kramer : We ought to route him in Lake Michigan, at least we'll avoid killing innocent people. MCrosky: You're the only chance they've got. Kramer : Alright, Striker, you listen and listen close flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle, just alot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes. Now, first I want you to get the feel of the plane. Later, we'll run down the landing procedure. Now, I want you to disengage the automatic pilot . . . watch that you don't make any violent control movements like you did in the fighter planes. Striker : Alright, I'm going to unlock the automatic pilot. Kramer : Now just remember the controls will feel very heavy compared to a fighter. Don't worry about that its perfectly normal. ( Plane starts to nosedive and passengers begin to panic ) Now one more thing, is there somebody there who can work the radio and leave you free for flying? Striker : Yes, the stewardess is here with me. Kramer : Good, have her sit in the co-pilot's seat. Striker : Elaine, he wants you to sit in the co-pilot's seat. Passengr: What's going on? We have a right to know the truth! Rumack : Alright, I'm going to level with you all. The most important thing now is that you remain calm. There's no reason to panic ( his nose starts to grow ). Now, it is true that one of the crew members is ill, slightly ill, but the other two pilots are just fine, they're at the controls, flying the plane, free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment. Striker : The radio's all yours now. And keep an eye on that number 3 engine gauge over there, its running a little hot ( sign flashes "a little hot" ) Kramer : Striker, before we start, I'd like to say something. I know that right now things must look pretty rough up there, but if you do what I tell you, when I tell you to do it, there's no reason why you shouldn't have complete confidence in your chances to come out of this thing alive and in one piece. Striker, what kind of weather are you in up there? Elaine : Rain! Striker: And a little ice. Elaine : And a little ice. Kramer : How's it handling? Striker: Sluggish, like a wet sponge. Elaine : Sluggish, like a wet sponge. Kramer : Alright, Striker, your doing just fine. Striker: Its a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts. Elaine : Its a damn good thing you don't know how much he hates your guts. Jivemn2: Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Attndnt: Can I get you something? Jivemn2: S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up. Tightly. Attndnt: I'm sorry I don't understand. Jivemn1: Cutty say he cant hang. Woman4 : Oh stewardess, I speak jive. Attndnt: Ohhhh, good. Woman4 : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him. Attndnt: Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine. Woman : Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the` rebound a de medcide. Jivemn2: What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I dug her rap. Woman4 : Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains anyhow. MCrosky: Get me Captain Oever's wife on the phone, we'd better let her know what's going on. Towergy: Chief, this weather bulletin just came off the wire. MCrosky: Johnny, what can you make outta this? Johnny : This? Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a pterodactyl. . . ( Phone rings at Captain Oever's wife's house, she answers. ) MSOever: Hello? Towergy: Mrs. Oever? MSOever: Yes, this is Mrs. Oever. Towergy: This is Ed Masias calling from the airport. There's some trouble on your husband's flight. We don't know how serious it is yet, but Steve McCrosky say you may want to get down here right away. MSOever: Yes, I'll be right down. . . ( hangs up the phone ) I've gotta go to the airport, you can let yourself out the back door. There's juice in the refridger- ator. ( We see she is sleeping with a horse) Horse : Nayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... plllllllllllllllllllll. Winey. Elaine : Dr Rumack says the sick people are getting worse and we`re running out of time. Striker: ( In echoey voice to himself ) I've got to concentrate oncentrate, oncentrate. I've got to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate. Hello, hello, hello. Echo, echo, echo. Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbau Manny Motta, motta, motta. Man : How're you doing honey? Woman5 : I'm so hot, I'm burning up. Man : I'll turn on some air. ( The whole cabin starts to blow with wind. " Close the window " ) Striker: Chicago, the passengers are beginning to panic, when do we start down? Kramer : Not just yet, but you're in our range any second now. I don't understand it should have been in range 10 minutes ago. Genderson, check the radar range, anything yet? Gendrsn: ( Looks in an oven ) Its about 2 more minutes chief. MCrosky: 2 more minutes? They could be miles off course. Kramer : That's impossible there on instruments ( a brass ensemble begins to play ) MCrosky: This is going to be a real sweat. Genderson, let me know when you get anything. Got a cigarette Nelson? I can't take much more of this. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines. Johnny, how about some more coffee? Johnny: NO THANKS! Towergy: Chief, these reporters won't leave without a statement. Reportr: How much longer can those passengers hold out? MCrosky: A, half an hour or less. Reportr: Who's flying the plane? MCrosky: One of the passengers. But, he's an experienced Air Force pilot who flew during the war, so there's no cause for alarm. . . Here, take over. Reportr: What kind of plane is it? Johnny : Oh its a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the window and wheels. It looks like a big tylenol. Reportr: Okay boys, lets get some pictures. ( Take photos off of wall . . .) ( Various reports from around the world are shown ) TVGUY : This bulletin just handed to me . . . stricken airliner approaches Chicago. Countpt: They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say let em crash. Man2 : Would you like a little whiskey ma'am? Woman6 : ( In a berating voice ) CERTAINLY NOT! ( She the does cocaine ) Striker: How are the passengers doing? Rumack : I won't deceive you Mr. Striker . . . we're running out of time. Striker: Surely there must be something you can do. Rumack : I'm doing everything I can and stop calling me Shirley. Nun : R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me . . . Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me . . . A little respect ( passenger vomits as she sings ) Just a little bit . . . Attndnt: Booo-hooo ( she crys ) Rumack : Randy, are you alright? Attndnt: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married. Rumack : We're going to make it, you've got to believe that. Woman3 : Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing? Rumack : Pretty soon, how are you bearing up? Woman3 : Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But, at least I have a husband. ( Randy sobs harder ) Voice : Stay in formation, target's just ahead. Target should be clear if you go in low enough. You'll have to decide You'll have to decide... Striker: oh rats! we lost number 4. Elaine : What happened Ted, what went wrong? Striker: The oil pressure, I forgot to check the oil pressure. When Kramer hears about this, the shit's gonna hit the fan ( We see shit hitting a fan ) Kramer : Watch that oil temperature, what the hell's he doing up there? Striker, that plane can't land itself, it takes a pilot that can handle pressure. MCrosky: Ease off Rex, he hasn't flown for years, its not his fault. It could happen to any pilot. Johnny : It happened to Barbara Stanwick. MCrosky: Don't push him too hard, give him a break. You gotta remember who you're dealing with. Johnny : Nick, Leaf, Jerrod, there's a fire in the barn. Striker: He's right, I can't take the pressure. I was crazy to think I could land this plane. Elaine : Ted, you're the only hope. Striker: I don't care. ( Plane starts to nosedive again ) I don't have what it takes. They'd be better off with someone who'd never flown before. MCrosky: Bad news, the fog is getting thicker. Johnny : And Leon's getting laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrger. Striker: I know what you're going to say, so save your breath. Rumack : Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the best you could. You really have, the best you could. You can't expect to win em all. But, I want to tell you something I've kept to myself through these years. I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He could barely talk. He looked at me and said " The odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad Captain made the right decision. The pilot's name was George Zip. Striker: George Zip said that? Rumack : The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell too good, that's for sure. Striker: Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land. Kramer : Alright Striker, you'd better stay up there for a bit, as soon as the fog lifts, we'll bring you in. Striker: I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer, Dr. Rumack says the sick people are in critical condition. And every minute counts. We've got to land now. Kramer : Don't be a fool Striker, you know what a landing like this means, you more than anybody. I'm ordering you to stay up there. Striker: NO DICE CHICAGO. I'm giving the orders and we're coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it Kramer? Kramer : He'll never make it in this soup, not one chance in a million. MCrosky: I know, I know, but its his ship now, his command, he's in charge, he's the boss, head man, top dog, big cheese, Towergy: Captain, look at this! MCrosky: Passengers certain to die! Kramer : Airline negligent. Johnny : There's a sale at Penny's! MCrosky: Alright, I'll need 3 men up in the tower. You Newbower, you Maceias. . . Johnny : Me John! Big tree. Kramer : Standby, Striker. We're going to the tower, good luck. Johnny : The tower, the tower . . . Repunzle, Repunzle . . . Woman4 : Stewardess, how soon so we land? Attndnt: It won't be long now, try not to worry. Towergy: We're all ready sir, this is Captain McCrosky, Captain Roberts, Captain Kramer, Captain Kolosomo, Captain Henshaw this is Captain Gatz, Captain Kramer, Captain Gatz, Captain Henshaw, Captain Roberts. MCrosky: Alright Kolosomo, you work the relay, Roberts, check all air traffic within five miles, get that finger out of your ear, you don't know where that finger's been ( guy smells his finger ) Got a cigarette Nels? Your husband and the others are alive, but unconscious. Johnny : Just like Gerald Ford. MCrosky: Now, there's a chance we can save them, if Striker can get that plane down in time. MSOever: That isn't much of a chance, is it? MCrosky: I don't know, I don't know, but we're doing everything we can, now excuse me huh? Johnny : Where did you get that dress? Its aweful . . . and those shoes, and that coat, geeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz. ( Tower Guys Playing Atari basketball on radar screen ) Towergy: 8 miles. Looks like their heading 0-4-4. Elaine : We are now at 2000 feet beginning our decent. Kramer : Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto that field. ( A dump truck dumps table lamps onto the runway ) Towergy: Tower to all emergency vehicles, runway is 9er. Airport vehicles take stations 1 and 2. Civilian equipment number 3. Air Force positions number 4 and 5. All ambulances go to number 3. Air Israel, please clear the runway ( Plane is shown wearing a beard, hat, tallis, and yarmulke. ) Attendnt:In a moment, we'll ask you to assume crash positions. your life jackets are located under your seat. Place the jacket over your head. And when I give the word, pull the cord on the right side flap. Your seat cushions are also equipped with a flotation device. Radio : WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever ( plane knocks down station's transmitter ) Kramer : Watch your altitude Striker, you're too erratic. You can't come straight in. You've got enough fuel left for two hours of flying. Striker: I'll take it Elaine. Listen to me Kramer! We have people up here who will die in less than an hour let alone two. I may bend your precious airplane, but I'll get it down. I'm putting the landing gear down now. Attndnt: Mr. Striker, the passengers are ready. Striker: Thank you Randy. You'd better leave sweetheart. You might get hurt up here. Elaine : Ted, Striker: Yes? Elaine : I wanted you to know, now . . . I'm very proud. Striker: Tell 'em the gear is down and we're ready to land. Elaine : The gear is down and we're ready to land. Kramer : Alright, he's on final now, put out all runway lights except 9er. Towergy: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights now. MCrosky: No, thats just what they'll be expecting us to do. Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you. Kramer : Alright, now just listen carefully . . . you should be able to see the runway at 300 feet. Aim the touchdown a third of the way along. There's a slight crosswind from the right so be ready for it. Land too fast, use your emergency breaks. The red handle's right in front of you. If that doesn't stop you . . . ( long pause ) . . . if that doesn't stop you cut the four ignition switches over the co-pilot's head. Do you see us now? You should be able to see the field now. ( Dog barks ) MCrosky: It sure is quiet out there. . . Kramer : Yeah, too quiet. MCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. ( inhales some glue and falls over) Striker: There it is. Kramer : There he is. Striker, you're coming in too fast . . . Striker: I know, I know. Elaine : He knows, he knows. Airdude: Getting below 700 now, still going down. 675, 650, 625, he's holding. . .no, no he's down, he's down. Kramer : Sound your alarm bell, now. Attndnt: Alright now everybody, get in crash positions ( The passengers arrange themselves as if they just crash- ed. ) Kramer : Put down 30 degrees of flap. Striker now listen to me Remember your breaks and switches, get ready to fly it out . . . Airdude: He's all over the place, 900 feet, up to 1300 feet . . . what an asshole. Kramer : More mast rudder, put down more flap . . . Johnny : ( Unplugs runway lights ) Just kidding. Kramer : Striker, lift your nose, straighten your wings. You're coming in too fast, watch your speed. MCrosky: He's coming right at us . . . ( jumps through a window ) Kramer : You're coming in too hot. Ease up on the throttle. Watch for that crosswind. Aim for the numbers, you'll have to dip your left wing. You're drifting, keep your eyes on the far end of the runway. You're too low damnit! Watch your stall speed. Ease her down, down. The break . . . pull the red handle. Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you. Voice2 : Flight 2-0-9 now arriving gate 8- gate 9, gate 10 Kramer : Push a button. Voice2 : Gate 13, gate 14, gate 15 . . . Johnny : Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, toto . . . its a twister, its a twister Voice : Gate 23, 24, 25 . . . ( Plane lands safely ) Rumack : I just want to tell you both-- good luck, we're all counting on you. Kramer : Striker, Striker, you alright? Striker: Yeah, we're okay. Kramer : Ted that was probably the worst landing in the history of this airport, but some of us here, particularly me would like to buy you a drink and shake your hand . . and Ted I just want you to know that when the going got rough . . . Attndnt: Okay alright, have a nice day . . .have a nice day, thank you for flying TransAmerican Kramer : Lonliness, thats the bottom line. I was never happy as a child . . . Christmas Ted, what does that mean to you? It was living hell. Do you know what its like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head. With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does, that never happens. Sorry Ted, that's a dumb question. Attndnt: Have a nice day. Kramer : Municipal bonds Ted, I'm talking double A rating. . . the best investment in America. ( Ted and Elaine go off into the sunset and Otto and his inflatable friend Ottoette fly the plane off ) THE END!!!!!
Наша библиотека является официальным зеркалом библиотеки Максима Мошкова lib.ru